Survival Guide: Communications

Among Friends

When encountering a close friend, you may find it necessary
to suddenly shout that person’s name at the top of your lungs in a frantic
manner. Your friend will then in turn shout your name at the top
of his or her lungs. This form of communication is especially effective
when used repeatedly at a distance of about 100 yards.

Repeat this process about two dozen times over the course
of the next 115 minutes. Congratulations, you have now witnessed
the deep emotional bond and 80% of the dialogue shared by the two main
characters in AKIRA.

Addressing Superiors

Masters and Trainers

If you wish to learn the art of fighting, you will require
the help of a master of the craft, someone who will instruct you in bringing
out your highest abilities. However, when dealing with such a teacher,
or sensei, you must always be mindful of the proper etiquette.

  1. Do whatever the sensei says. Kneel, meditate,
    wash cars, practice ballet, eat raw sushi for seven days straight, whatever
    he requires of you. Every ancient master has his own way of doing
    things, which most likely involves the completely irrational, but which
    will eventually enable you to defeat scores of evil ninjas simply by unsheathing
    your sword while in mid-air.
  2. Make no mention of the trainer’s odd
    quirks. He may wear sunglasses at night, drink odd fluids at dinner,
    never change robes, or even refuse to come out of the dojo throughout your
    entire life training. Still, he has his reasons, so just don’t ask.
  3. Make no mention of any deformities or strange
    appearances. Even if your sensei appears to have no eye sockets,
    seems to alter his physical form at will, or occasionally appears shaped
    like a giant panda, just accept him for who he is and try not to stare
    too much.


If you are a college student, you will most likely
have a Sempai, the Japanese equivalent of a peer advisor. If this is
the case, you will need to understand some of the finer points of
communicatiing with this extremely important person.
First of all, a Sempai communicates less verbally
than through physical contact. As such, the Sempai will think
nothing of picking you up and putting you in a backbreaker hold in order
to illustrate the concept of “Hey, you!” A less communicative Sempai will
simply punch you in the arm or back.
Secondly, a Sempai always likes to know what’s
going on with your life, regardless of how deeply personal those goings-on
might be. Be prepared to explain everything and anything about your
life to your Sempai, including the status of your grades, family, general
social life, and dates. Note: such explanations may be called for
while actually ON a date.