Anime Guide

Livin’ and Lovin’ In The Anime Universe: A Basic Guide

Ok, so you’ve decided to make that big step, to finally
achieve the ultimate Otaku dream… to become an anime character. You’re
prepared. You put your mundane affairs in order, packed, said your good-byes,
picked your universe, translated your currency, took a crash course in
Japanese and have your mousse and hair dye ready to turn you into Ensign
Wildhair. But unless you are a truly hard core otaku, there are some things
you should keep in mind as you venture off into that wild, primary colored

1) Money.

Be sure to have lots of it. Not only are there a nigh infinite amount of
people who are gonna help you part with it (and you’ll never notice it in the first place),
keep in mind that the insurance rates tend to skyrocket at a moment’s notice. This
is particularly true for Tomobiki-cho, the Nerima ward, Macross Island, old Buddhist shrines,
most of Tokyo, esp. Shinjuku and other famous areas.

2) Just throw out any science textbooks you have.

None of it’s going to work normally anyhow.

3) People tend to come in various personality types, body types and hair colors.

Just remember that if they start bulging or
glowing blue, red, white or any other color, or begin bleeding profusely,
leave the area immediately. Unless of course the person in question is
bleeding through the nose in which case you may want to make a discrete
check of your clothing.

4) Be nice. To everybody.

Many people tend to have a nasty tendency to carry grudges to the grave. Specifically, yours.
And they’ll come back yearly just to do the Meposian Dance of Joy on it.
Besides, nothing bad ever happens to Kasumi or Mihoshi, does it?

5) Always read the fine print.

Particularly when dealing with mysterious old strangers who sell you old and wondrous
magical items.

6) Puzzle Boxes are hard to open for a REASON!!!

(Oops, that’s supposed to go under Horror Movie Survival Tips)

7) Within minutes of establishing yourself in your new home, check the local constabulary.

If there’s a profound lack of them,
you may wish to consider moving. It tends to mean that the area gets demolished
at least once a week.

8) Choosing your House

When choosing your house, bear in mind that aliens,
demons, monsters, Intergalactic Overlords and Really Big Nasty Things With
Tentacles tend to show up in Tokyo first. Adjust your domicile appropriately.

9) Get training in martial arts as soon as humanly possible.

Preferably ones that specialize in Ki-attacks, leaping impossibly
high and surviving incredibly huge amounts of corporeal damage. You may
wind up having to deal with your teachers rivals and fiancees as soon as
you step in the door, but at least your survival chances will rise marginally
above “Butterfly in front of a speeding Mack Truck”

10) At some point you may find someone you’re attracted to.

Be very careful when attempting to gain this person’s affections. They
may well be either married, engaged, stupid beyond all possible tolerance,
an alien, an android, a member of the same sex, a ghost, a deity of some
form or another, have all other members of the opposite sex after them.
Note that this final situation may well be more dangerous than the previous
ones as the aforementioned members of the opposite sex tend to be violently
possessive of said love object.

11 ) Dating

When dating, keep in mind that you are now in
an anime world and dress appropriately. Remember, running shoes, personal
force-fields and hardsuits are never out of fashion.

12) Murphy’s Law

Again, while dating, Murphy’s Law will be in
full effect and any and all negative possibilities in the Universe will
be centered on you. In the worst cases (most of which are 90% likely
to occur, particularly on an important date), be prepared to make a speedy
exit, leaving a human-shaped hole in the wall if necessary. If your date
truly cares about you, they’ll understand. Note that the corollary guidelines:
Numbers 1, 3, 4, 8 and 9.

13) There is no number 13. It’s bad luck. Move on.

14) Relationship

Before entering a relationship with someone of
the opposite sex, you may wish to make sure that (s)he does not have:
a demon side-kick/slave a yen (heh) for poisons, floral arrangements and rhythmic
gymnastics a tendency to electrify/blast people for any reason whatsoever
supernatural powers of any sort an appetite to put Rosanne to shame
fiancees of any gender/race incompatible biological functions (don’t ask)
a curse (note: When in doubt, perform the classic cold water/hot water test)

15) Magic works.

Especially black magic. Especially
black magic that’s intended for summoning the Big Nasty Things With Tentacles
mentioned in guideline number 8.

16) Always know where the exits are.

Be prepared to make one if necessary, even if it means breaking through a wall and
leaving a human shaped hole. Remember, bruises fade, bones heal and a brief
trip to the local witch-doctor is infinitely preferable to a sucking chest

17) Shinto Wards

Shinto wards (or just about any other spell from
any other religion/magick system) will not work on any monster/demon/RNTWT
larger than a mean grasshopper.

18) Female Attraction

All demons, dragons, evil sorcerers, aliens and
all other malevolent supernatural beings like nubile, young females. Really
like them. Avoid being one if at all possible.

19) Basic Survival

Some basic survival equipment that you may wish
to acquire, either before or after your successful entrance into the Anime
Universe of your choice:

A book of magic spells
Sword of Demon Slaying +8
Tentacle-Proof Overcoat
Alien Girl/Boyfriend with incredible supernatural powers (be careful in your choices. Check guideline number 14.)
Wand of Teleportation
Hot Water (you never know)
Portable Hole, for those frequent quick exits
Life Insurance. As much as humanly possible
Mecha. Be sure to upgrade frequently.
Bandages. Lots and lots of bandages.

17) Normal Sex

If you plan on having normal human sex you might
want to consider not going. If the opportunity of a sexual encounter does
present itself however, try not to let any black dots, white splotches,
mosaics or pixellations pose too much of a distraction.

18) Find Women

You will also find that women between the ages
of 16 and 45 are rare to non-existent. Adjust you tastes and expectations

19) Falling In Love

If you happen to fall in love with someone in
an anime universe expect every obstacle you can imagine (and quite a few
you can’t) to be thrown in your path to True Happiness. This can be anything
from family opposition to demon possession to invading alien fleets seeking
their long lost queen. Develop patience. Remember also that anything (and
I mean anything) can fall head over heels in love with you. This could
be a person of the same sex, a demon, a demon of the same sex, an alien,
an alien of the same sex, a super computer or that odd looking tree down
the block. Remember that the further from human whatever falls in love
with you is, the more jealous and possessive it will be of you. And it
will usually have strong supernatural powers which it will freely use to
protect you from “interlopers”.

20) Mermaid Flesh

Don’t eat mermaid flesh. Period.

21) Rest Of Your Life

Expect to spend the rest of your life in either
junior high or high school. There is an upside. Your English skills will
make you very popular.

22) Your Anime Universe

Just because you’ve picked one particular anime
universe to live in doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll stay there. Try to
stay away from Tokyo Tower. It appears to mark an inter-universal nexus.