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Survival Guide: Dangers


Yeah, anime is very cool, we can all agree on that. Massive space battles, supernatural beasts, magical explosions, and high-powered gunfights all look amazingly exciting to we, the mundane viewers. Unfortunately, for most of the characters who actually have to participate, life can get downright dangerous. If you want to survive to the next OAV, or even the next episode, there are some important safety tips you need to know.

Aliens

Aliens are an unpredictable lot. If an alien lands in your vicinity, you can never be sure if it intends to befriend, subjugate, eat, or propose to you, with the latter being the least desirable in many cases. Chances are, it just wants to enslave the human race, but you can never be too sure.

Still, it is inadvisable to shoot aliens on sight, as they often have massive war fleets at their immediate disposal and precariously unstable dispositions, as well as unpredictable motives. A good rule of thumb is to never start firing first. Allow the aliens to make an impressive show of power, perhaps capturing a famous rock star or even annihilating a city or two. Then, just before All Hope is Lost, unveil humanity's salvation from destruction in the form of a new technological advancement, superior strategy, or catchy musical number.

Aliens in Love

Should you encounter an alien with amorous intentions toward you in particular, take stock of your immediate situation. Check for escape routes. There is no more dire fate than being caught up in a romantic affair with an alien, except perhaps being caught up in a romantic triangle with one or more aliens. If such a situation is unavoidable, it is best to quickly develop some universally important skill or destiny which will allow you to move to another area of the galaxy. Aliens will never become romantically involved with you unless you are on your home planet when they meet you.

Aliens the Size of Office Blocks

When an alien roughly the size of Tokyo Tower lands in the vicinity, it's almost never a good sign. Seek shelter quickly, and try not to think too hard about the fact that the alien behind you could conceivably end your life prematurely simply be breathing too deeply.

Ancient Shrines

These are always tricky and depend greatly on where one wants to go with the plot. Ancient shrines and temples have been known to house demons, relics of power, kindly old hermits, 20,000 year-old super-geniuses, alien civilizations and, occasionally, long-term housing. When venturing into an ancient shrine, take note of it's location and overall atmosphere. Is it cheery? Woodsy? Tastefully decorated? Are any candles lit? Does it appear derelict and crumbling? Foreboding? Evil? These are often clues as to the nature of the shrine. If there are rumors of a hidden evil lurking inside that rune-covered cave entrance, chances are, that's what you'll find.

Of course, no one really knows what any shrine really contains, that's why they need a brave soul like you to venture in and find out. Just remember to bring a flashlight, some knowledge of ancient lore, and (ideally) a copy of the script.

Blasphemous Comments

If someone says something to the effect of, "The Gods will be as puppets to me!" or, "HA HA, I'm invincible!" step away quickly and shield your eyes.

Bugs

Maintaining reality is a trying process for the almighty, and despite their best efforts, the occasional bug shows up in the Ultimate Force system. Bugs are small eight-legged rabbit-like creatures who warp time and space around them. Though they rarely show up on the surface world, they can appear here, usually causing various flaws in the fabric of reality, such as odd weather patterns, temperature shifts, disappearing matter, and exploding soda machines. Sometimes bugs can arrive on the surface world through a "Bug Exhaust Port," formed by two incompatible things coming in close contact with one another. The bugs are drawn to the surface world by an "Attractor," some large mystic energy source. Disposing of such Attractors usually closes the Exhaust Port.

There are two ways to dispose of bugs. First, you can use "Skuld's Own DeBugging Machine," or you can simply hit them over the head with a mallet.

Evil Ninjas

One should always be on the lookout for ninjas when wandering about the anime universe. Keep alert for dark figures jumping silently from tree to tree, showers of shiny ninja stars hurtling through the air, and individuals spouting blood like aerosol cans. These are signs that an evil ninja has been through the area recently. The best way to deal with evil ninjas is to get them airborne all at the same time. Once off the ground and in numbers, most evil ninjas retain the martial arts abilities of mayonnaise, thereby allowing you to cut through them like so much paper maché. When dealing with evil ninjas, it is advisable to bring a towel, preferably not red.

Goddesses

The almighty usually take a dim view of us mortals, especially those individuals who wish to rival their power. Other than that, supernatural powers can either be a blessing or a curse (if you'll pardon the expression). Higher powers involved in complex social situations, however, are a different story altogether. See below.

Goddesses in Love

If you happen to become romantically entangled with a being of supernatural origins, tread lightly. This mostly applies to guys. Anime goddesses have often been sighted in company with anime characters, but anime gods tend to be aloof and rarely associate with mere mortals.

The greatest danger comes not from the goddess herself in this case (though make no doubt, she could incinerate you with a thought if she caught you cheating), but from your prospective in-laws. All you need is an overprotective father or vengeful sister and you're toast.

Mecha

Mecha will never bother you so long as you're not actually in one yourself. If you are, let's hope those VF flight lessons were worth the money you paid (see "Getting Around").

Mecha the Size of Office Blocks

The best defense is a good offense, even if that offense entails widespread smearing of urban architechture. If a giant mech shows up to defend your fair city from invading aliens, seek shelter and try not to think about the fact that the robot behind you is quite conceivably piloted by a fourteen-year-old with distinct social issues.

Music

A key saftey tip in the world of anime is to always remember that music can severely injure or even kill, depending on one's species, bio-chemical make-up, or personal taste. It has been established that one of the most effective ways to counter invading alien fleets is to blast popular music at them with all the bass levels up. If you happen to be a member of one of these alien races and intend to invade the Earth in the near future, it is advisable to invest in a decent set of earplugs.

School Girls

Uniformed anime school girls are undoubtedly some of the most powerful beings in the universe. They have been known to possess swords, guns, magical crystals, psionic abilities, and multi-target lightweight missile packs, usually on school grounds. Worst of all, school girls are almost always caught up in a complex social drama which no one over the age of sixteen can possibly understand or prepare for.

Tentacles

Ladies, if you see a tentacle, don't ask questions,
just RUN!

Yourself

Ultimately, the greatest danger to your personal safety in anime is probably yourself. Whether you make a wrong turn into one of the bad sections of Neo Tokyo, insult the mother of the shogun, stumble into the hive of massively powerful alien invaders, or unwittingly unleash the forces of evil upon an unsuspecting world, you have no one to blame but yourself.