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Survival Guide: Communications


Among Friends

When encountering a close friend, you may find it necessary to suddenly shout that person's name at the top of your lungs in a frantic manner. Your friend will then in turn shout your name at the top of his or her lungs. This form of communication is especially effective when used repeatedly at a distance of about 100 yards.

Repeat this process about two dozen times over the course of the next 115 minutes. Congratulations, you have now witnessed the deep emotional bond and 80% of the dialogue shared by the two main characters in AKIRA.

Addressing Superiors

Masters and Trainers

If you wish to learn the art of fighting, you will require the help of a master of the craft, someone who will instruct you in bringing out your highest abilities. However, when dealing with such a teacher, or sensei, you must always be mindful of the proper etiquette.

1. Do whatever the sensei says. Kneel, meditate, wash cars, practice ballet, eat raw sushi for seven days straight, whatever he requires of you. Every ancient master has his own way of doing things, which most likely involves the completely irrational, but which will eventually enable you to defeat scores of evil ninjas simply by unsheathing your sword while in mid-air.

2. Make no mention of the trainer's odd quirks. He may wear sunglasses at night, drink odd fluids at dinner, never change robes, or even refuse to come out of the dojo throughout your entire life training. Still, he has his reasons, so just don't ask.

3. Make no mention of any deformities or strange appearances. Even if your sensei appears to have no eye sockets, seems to alter his physical form at will, or occasionally appears shaped like a giant panda, just accept him for who he is and try not to stare too much.

Sempais

If you are a college student, you will most likely have a Sempai, the Japanese equivalent of a peer advisor. If this is the case, you will need to understand some of the finer points of communicatiing with this extremely important person. First of all, a Sempai communicates less verbally than through physical contact. As such, the Sempai will think nothing of picking you up and putting you in a backbreaker hold in order to illustrate the concept of "Hey, you!" A less communicative Sempai will simply punch you in the arm or back. Secondly, a Sempai always likes to know what's going on with your life, regardless of how deeply personal those goings-on might be. Be prepared to explain everything and anything about your life to your Sempai, including the status of your grades, family, general social life, and dates. Note: such explanations may be called for while actually ON a date.