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EVA-R

If I Become An Anime Villain


Special thanks to Issendai from Issendai no Su


1.) I will not fall in love with the hero's romantic interest. I have no chance with him or her, and all of the interesting characters are already on my side.

2.) If my enemy's partner is the cutest, most ineffectual kawaiiko in the cast, I will not underestimate her. She may be squealy, and she may be annoying, but she is probably the most powerful source of magical energy on the show.

3.) I will not kill my underlings, no matter how ineffectual or used-up they are. It's terribly embarrassing to have the winning hand and lose because of sheer lack of numbers.

4.) If my underlings repeatedly desert me for the hero's side, I will look into the merits of what he or she is doing. If it doesn't suit my plans to join the forces of good, I will at least institute a program to stop employee defections. Perhaps something involving cheery slogans and coffee-room posters.

5.) If my enemy is a magical girl, I will not stand in awe as she goes airborne, drops all of her clothes, and starts spinning in preparation to transform. I will wait until her regular clothes are gone, then yank her down and start fighting. If her shock at my breaking the Law of Uninterruptable Metamorphosis doesn't paralyze her, the fact that she's in her birthday suit will.

6.) If my enemy must shout the names of his attacks to get the full effect, I will invest in a simple first-level AD&D spell known as the "Sphere of Silence."

7.) It hardly bears mentioning that my own attacks won't have a verbal component.

8.) And if the author insists upon my shouting attack names, I will not choose eight-kanji confections with fourteen syllables and no identifiable meaning. I will have attacks with names like "HA!"

9.) Although I might make an exception for an attack called "Neener-neener-neener."

10.) I will remember: The plot is not on my side. There's no way that I can win, so I might as well have fun.

11.) Whips, Chains are fun. But they should be used sparingly unless I want to appear in yaoi fics for the rest of my born days.

12.) If I am facing an unbeatable mecha, I will not aim for it to the exclusion of all other targets or risk my underlings to get the specs. I will take out the techie team which maintains it. And then I will aim for it to the exclusion of all other targets.

13.) If I am a second-string villain, I will fall in love with the hero(ine) as soon as possible. This will save me time and trouble in the long run.

14.) If I am a second-string villain, I will join the good guys at the first chance and help them kill my boss. Then, while they celebrate, I will kill them all and take over my boss's position.

15.) The most plain/young/ditzy/wussy hero(ine) dies first. There's nothing I hate more than having some punkling start displaying awesome power after I've beaten everyone else.

16.) I would NOT explain my plans for world conquest to a near defeated enemy for 20 minutes so he can rest and Kick my arse.. -ArtemisDream

17.) If I wanted to destroy the world.. Why should I bother Fighting the Hero, just blow it up already. -ArtemisDream

18.) I would fall hopelessly in Love with one of the gals from the heros party, just so I could postpone blowing up the world to make a pass at her, and if that failed, see above. -ArtemisDream

19.) I would take dodging lessons from Vash the Stampede.. you never know when it may come in handy. -ArtemisDream

20.) I would definitely invest in the first lvl magick PROTECTION FROM GOODY GOODY TWO SHOES! -ArtemisDream

21.) I will destroy the world first, deal withl all heroes\survivors\unkillable people later -Shiro

22.) I will not attack the ultimate mecha until I have killed the support crews and techs who can repair it -Shiro

23.) Near the end I will give someone else command and deffect to the winning side -Shiro

24.) I will have my dead messengers give the hero my brilliant plan to take over the world in the afterlife, as opposed to being killed by the hero -Shiro

25.) I will stop most oppression once I have won to stop a new hero from coming to kill me -Shiro

26.) If I became a villain I would make sure that all ventalation ducts in my evil stronghold would be to small for any one who was not actively a liquid to crawl through. -Gasmask Angel

27.) If I became a villain I would never waste time trying to make my foes deaths look like an accident. The rest of the goodguys won't believe it and I'm not accountable to anyone but myself. -Gasmask Angel

28.) If I became a villain I would pospone all celebrations and/or evil plots until the heroe's death has been confirmed. I will not look over the cliff they fell off of and say "no could survive a fall like." nor will I trust in the fact I shot the hero until I have also decapitated them and burned what was left. -Gasmask Angel

29.) If I have an unstoppable super gun of doom, I will use it as early and often as possible and not save it for a last resort. -Gasmask Angel

30.) I will not have a self destruct mechanism unless it is tied to my death and goes off instantly and with out any time for the heros to escape. -Gasmask Angel

31.) When my foe is screaming and powering up with a devestating energy attack, I will simply pull out a gun and shoot him in the face. -Gasmask Angel